Living my life day by day . . .
"Day by Day"
Day by Day
Day by Day
Oh, dear Lord, of thee
Three things I pray
To see things more clearly
To love thee more dearly
To follow thee more clearly
Day by Day . . .
(From the musical, "Godspell")
As David sung this song to me this afternoon, I could feel the presence of God surround us. David was practicing the music for Sunday's outdoor Eucharist, and I asked him to sing this song again as it is one of my very favorites.
"To see things more clearly . . ." I want to see and be part of life in all its beauty and glory. I want to see that the Lord does love me, and that love surrounds me daily and is the strength I draw upon when I feel weak. I need to look at things more clearly... Life is beautiful and painful and wonderful and, at times, tremendously trying and it is worth every minute.
I didn't feel that when I was ensnared by anorexia. I didn't feel anything except either an all-consuming numbness or anxiety breaking through. I couldn't see the gifts that surrounded me, and I now see clearly that my life has been one of both beauty and heartbreak, joy and sorrows, and I have survived. I have survived an illness that takes the lives of many women and men, an illness that made me illogically starve myself and want to deprive myself of life.
I have been sick for several days, and have struggled to eat because of nausea and have lost a few pounds. In the past, I would have ignored that and rejoiced in that loss. Not now. I asked David to pick me up several packages of Ensure Plus, something I know I can get down me and that will halt the weight loss and turn it around. I am very proud of myself, and the fact that I clearly see that I have to keep eating to be healthy and have a full life.
"To love thee more dearly . . ." As I sung out these words along with David, I knew I want to draw closer to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I want to be part of making His world a better place, and I can't do that if I am sick. And I want to thank Him and show Him my love, for it was through His grace that I am recovering from anorexia.
"To follow thee more nearly . . . " What more can I say? Christ, I am yours. You have given me another chance at life and I promise not to squander that.
Each day, David and I draw closer together and reconnect with each other. It hasn't been easy. There have been tears and painful moments brought up, but we are still working together and learning about each other after years of illness. We haven't given up, and there are many wonderful and joyful moments, too.
Such as hearing David sing as I relaxed on the couch, recovering from a minor illness. I can't think of anything more beautiful than hearing your husband sing to you. It lifted me up and made all the aches and pains fall away as his soulful voice practiced the hymns for Sunday.
Thank you, dear Lord, for this afternoon's beauty and for all the grace you have shown me each day.
"Day by day . . ." I plan to try to live my life more day by day. I think I will heed Christ's advice not to worry about tomorrow.
Day by day... I grow and learn and love and become more myself. Life is good.
07 July 2011
29 June 2011
Guest article - "15 Alarming Facts About Eating Disorders In College"
I was recently e-mailed by Kaitlyn Cole of OnlineUniversities.com regarding a recent article the website had published — "15 Alarming Facts About Eating Disorders In College." Don't let the title fool you — the article contains valuable information about eating disorders for people of any age. It also takes on several stereotypes about eating disorders. For example, the article points out that eating disorders strikes both men and women.
One of the most interesting things pointed out in the article is how nutritional information on food can be triggering. As someone recovering from anorexia, I sometimes do feel a twinge of guilt or worry when ordering out in restaurants and the calories are laid out there for me to see, and I have to tell myself it is okay to enjoy higher calorie foods. I remember when I was actively anorexic and I would count every calorie I ingested. The nutritional information provided by so many restaurants and packages of food were a great help for restricting.
The article also addresses other important issues, including the pro-anorexia movement and the fact that eating disorders do kill.
Therefore, I highly recommend you read "15 Alarming Facts About Eating Disorders In College". I would love to hear what you think about the article.
(Note: I do plan to write a personal post very soon. Graduate school is keeping me really busy right now, but soon I will have time for personal writing. I wish everyone a happy and safe Fourth of July holiday!)
One of the most interesting things pointed out in the article is how nutritional information on food can be triggering. As someone recovering from anorexia, I sometimes do feel a twinge of guilt or worry when ordering out in restaurants and the calories are laid out there for me to see, and I have to tell myself it is okay to enjoy higher calorie foods. I remember when I was actively anorexic and I would count every calorie I ingested. The nutritional information provided by so many restaurants and packages of food were a great help for restricting.
The article also addresses other important issues, including the pro-anorexia movement and the fact that eating disorders do kill.
Therefore, I highly recommend you read "15 Alarming Facts About Eating Disorders In College". I would love to hear what you think about the article.
(Note: I do plan to write a personal post very soon. Graduate school is keeping me really busy right now, but soon I will have time for personal writing. I wish everyone a happy and safe Fourth of July holiday!)
14 June 2011
Happy Anniversary!!!
Last week, David and I celebrated our 15th anniversary (June 8). We had a lovely time strolling through the Toledo Zoo and Aquarium and finishing the day with a great meal at Applebee's. We then spent the evening at our hotel room talking, reconnecting, and looking through our wedding album and wondering at how young and hopeful we looked on that day.
I was proud then to marry the love of my life, and I am still proud to be David's wife. We have gone through so much and are still working to come back to each other. It is confusing at times. We love each other very much, and yet still live apart. We attend church together each Sunday, and see each other often during the week. I am learning to "live in the moment" and just enjoy the time we have together. We are both learning to understand and be more gentle with each other. We also sometimes dream of a future together; the house we might live in, the things we might do together, the life we could build.
What does this all mean? I don't know. Today David will decide if he wants to continue with marriage counseling. I have asked if if it means its over if we don't, and he said no. I pray that we do continue, because I think we are just starting to learn some important things that can strengthen our marriage. But I shall see, and I pray for strength to accept whatever direction we take next.
For now, we still love each other and are still working together. There have been a few arguments and tears (on my part - I tend to cry easily), but I feel we have worked through them and realize no couple has a perfect relationship.
I still believe in "happily ever after" and I still have faith . . .
I was proud then to marry the love of my life, and I am still proud to be David's wife. We have gone through so much and are still working to come back to each other. It is confusing at times. We love each other very much, and yet still live apart. We attend church together each Sunday, and see each other often during the week. I am learning to "live in the moment" and just enjoy the time we have together. We are both learning to understand and be more gentle with each other. We also sometimes dream of a future together; the house we might live in, the things we might do together, the life we could build.
What does this all mean? I don't know. Today David will decide if he wants to continue with marriage counseling. I have asked if if it means its over if we don't, and he said no. I pray that we do continue, because I think we are just starting to learn some important things that can strengthen our marriage. But I shall see, and I pray for strength to accept whatever direction we take next.
For now, we still love each other and are still working together. There have been a few arguments and tears (on my part - I tend to cry easily), but I feel we have worked through them and realize no couple has a perfect relationship.
I still believe in "happily ever after" and I still have faith . . .
 |
| David and me on our 15th wedding anniversary - 8 June 2011 |
18 May 2011
Love, Hope and (Un)bearable Uncertainties
And thus the story continues...
I thought I was ready to move on and accept that my marriage was over, and that there was nothing I could do about it. Then David returned to Michigan about one month ago. We have seen each other often, and these have been wonderful, intimate times together for the most part. Each moment with him feels precious because I am not certain of the future.
I know that he loves me, and I love him. Neither one of us can imagine being with anyone else. And David says he will always love me, and wants me in his life forever. I know I will always love him, he is too deep in my heart.
But will our life be as husband and wife? I do not know. We are undergoing marriage counseling right now, and it seems to help both of us. We are learning to listen to each other, and some of the things we have talked about surprised me.
One of the things David wanted me to hear is that I am very intelligent, accomplished, and a wonderful writer and it puzzles him that I am so lacking in self-confidence. Another thing he mentioned is that I am so worried about the future that I fail to "live in the moment."
I've been thinking about those two things a lot lately, and realize he is right on both counts. I struggle to be confident, and I do often worry about the future. I often later find out that those worries were unfounded, and a waste of valuable energy and time.
Why? Knowing I have a tendency toward self-sabotaging behavior does help me understand a bit more how I developed anorexia at 42. But I have so much to learn in order to grow and completely heal.
But I believe I can overcome these traits, and live a joyful life free from anorexia and overwhelming anxiety. And I still believe that life can be lived with David. Right now he needs time and he needs to see me healthy. I pray his heart will remain open to the possibility of us being together, of the beautiful life we can still build together.
I know he's afraid. I am afraid. But I refuse to give into fear, and truly believe I can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I have so much hope for the future. Hope for myself. Hope for us. Hope that this will be "happily ever after." After all the pain of the past four years, I believe we deserve it.
But sometimes I feel as if God keeps throwing lessons at me. First there is the uncertainty of my marriage. Graduate school also has some uncertainties, as the chair of my thesis committee is leaving the university and now I need to find someone new to work with. I am planning on going on a mission trip in June, and I feel some uncertainity about how I can serve Christ while there.
However, that isn't the biggest uncertainty right now. I went for my yearly check-up yesterday. I was very proud because I have reached and maintained my goal weight for months. The last time my family doctor saw me, I weighed about 25 pounds less and I was getting ready to go into PHP as a last-ditch effort to conquer anorexia.
My family doctor did notice, and was quite happy. She knew I was relatively healthy because of my monthly blood tests ordered by my eating disorders doctor.
Then the check-up began...and she found some lesions that could possibly be cancerous. I am being sent to the gynecologist to be checked. I didn't take it seriously at first, and asked if it could wait until after the July mission trip because I have so many other things I'd rather do than go see another doctor. No. I have to go in the next few weeks.
Somewhere, I hear Alanis Morrisette singing, "Isn't it ironic??...."
I thought I was ready to move on and accept that my marriage was over, and that there was nothing I could do about it. Then David returned to Michigan about one month ago. We have seen each other often, and these have been wonderful, intimate times together for the most part. Each moment with him feels precious because I am not certain of the future.
I know that he loves me, and I love him. Neither one of us can imagine being with anyone else. And David says he will always love me, and wants me in his life forever. I know I will always love him, he is too deep in my heart.
But will our life be as husband and wife? I do not know. We are undergoing marriage counseling right now, and it seems to help both of us. We are learning to listen to each other, and some of the things we have talked about surprised me.
One of the things David wanted me to hear is that I am very intelligent, accomplished, and a wonderful writer and it puzzles him that I am so lacking in self-confidence. Another thing he mentioned is that I am so worried about the future that I fail to "live in the moment."
I've been thinking about those two things a lot lately, and realize he is right on both counts. I struggle to be confident, and I do often worry about the future. I often later find out that those worries were unfounded, and a waste of valuable energy and time.
Why? Knowing I have a tendency toward self-sabotaging behavior does help me understand a bit more how I developed anorexia at 42. But I have so much to learn in order to grow and completely heal.
But I believe I can overcome these traits, and live a joyful life free from anorexia and overwhelming anxiety. And I still believe that life can be lived with David. Right now he needs time and he needs to see me healthy. I pray his heart will remain open to the possibility of us being together, of the beautiful life we can still build together.
I know he's afraid. I am afraid. But I refuse to give into fear, and truly believe I can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I have so much hope for the future. Hope for myself. Hope for us. Hope that this will be "happily ever after." After all the pain of the past four years, I believe we deserve it.
But sometimes I feel as if God keeps throwing lessons at me. First there is the uncertainty of my marriage. Graduate school also has some uncertainties, as the chair of my thesis committee is leaving the university and now I need to find someone new to work with. I am planning on going on a mission trip in June, and I feel some uncertainity about how I can serve Christ while there.
However, that isn't the biggest uncertainty right now. I went for my yearly check-up yesterday. I was very proud because I have reached and maintained my goal weight for months. The last time my family doctor saw me, I weighed about 25 pounds less and I was getting ready to go into PHP as a last-ditch effort to conquer anorexia.
My family doctor did notice, and was quite happy. She knew I was relatively healthy because of my monthly blood tests ordered by my eating disorders doctor.
Then the check-up began...and she found some lesions that could possibly be cancerous. I am being sent to the gynecologist to be checked. I didn't take it seriously at first, and asked if it could wait until after the July mission trip because I have so many other things I'd rather do than go see another doctor. No. I have to go in the next few weeks.
Somewhere, I hear Alanis Morrisette singing, "Isn't it ironic??...."
24 April 2011
Vows meant truly (a poem)
Vows meant truly
Shattered pieces of my soul
Gathered in my hands
Leaking, draining
Spilling over
Like rain
Falling on the dry, hard soil.
I struggle to hold the shards
Inside my palms
Cutting, ripping
Crushed
Like glass
Falling all around me.
Heart-words swirling
Within my brain
Love, commitment
Forever
Lies told
Falling apart in an instant.
I fight to keep dreams alive
Inside my shattered soul
But my hands are
Like a sieve
And everything pours out.
Lost
Gone
Forgotten
Vows meant truly.
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