The Spirit Within

Anorexia nervosa (noun) — A disorder that has caused me to illogically starve myself for four years. A disorder that has stolen the best parts of my personality, that has wreaked havoc on my marriage and friendships, and has almost cost me my life. A disorder that my psychiatrist rightly calls a "love stealer."

I vow that this disorder will not continue its grip upon my spirit and soul in 2011.

The first part of breaking anorexia's grip is creating a new focus for my thoughts and writing. I have renamed this blog, "The Spirit Within." It is my hope that this new name will reflect my growing commitment to full recovery.

I have written "Leaving ED" for two years. When I started this blog, it was my full intention that I would in fact leave my eating disorder behind and eventually write about other things. But instead, "Leaving ED" has often become a trigger for my anorexic behaviors. I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it is because I never did leave my eating disorder behind, and the title has taunted me for years.

Now it is time for a change. This coming year will be a pivotal one in my recovery from anorexia for many reasons. I have been told that I must recover; that my body can't take much more of anorexia at 45 and that I could be looking at a very bleak future if I don't turn this around.

Dr. S believes I can fully recover. But he also believes in order for me to fully recover, I need to break this attraction, this almost addictive-like hold that anorexia nervosa has over me. And he believes in order to do that, I must find out who Angela is underneath the layers of anorexia that have been smothering me for years.

In order to do that, I need to change what I write about. I can no longer focus on a relapse, because in doing so, I have found that I have just made it worse. Then I continue the downward spiral until it is too late and I'm either in the hospital or undergoing some other treatment.

For four years, my life has really been nothing but anorexia. I hope to change that. I will still write about my efforts to recover from anorexia on this blog, but my focus will be on recovery. I can no longer focus on urges and symptoms; writing about it has not helped me, but instead has made things worse.

With the new blog name and some changes, I hope to find and show who the real Angela is. The Angela I was before anorexia came and took everything away. Before the darkness enveloped me so fully.

There always is a danger in changing the name and focus of a blog. I value each reader, and I hope all of you will read the new blog, "The Spirit Within" and get to know the person I am and that I will be becoming as I recover. Please pray for me. This will be the hardest work I will ever do, but I believe it will be worth it.

I am doing this for hope. I am doing this for life. I am doing this so 2011 can be a year of health, love, and laughter for me. I wish this for all of you, too.

Yours in Christ,
Angela

Becoming myself

I now know I must recover for myself alone. I must discover who I am under the layers of anorexia, and it will be hard and painful work.
But these are my choices — full recovery or anorexic purgatory. And I refuse to only exist. I refuse to continue with this half-life of anorexia.
I want to know fun and laughter and deep, abiding joy again. Today I felt it is possible. I can do this. I can do this for me. I can learn to love myself and feel worthy of eating and life.
I need to become myself again. This is a new journey of Leaving ED, one that will be filled with tears and pain and happiness and life. I am ready.
I will not be taking this journey alone. I have so much support from my wonderful sister, Samon, my friends, and most importantly, from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am blessed and humbly grateful for the things I have in my life.
This does not mean I don't miss David or don't want him to return. I love him very much. But I want him to return to a healthy, strong and recovered woman. He deserves that, and we both deserve a full and rich life free from anorexia. I believe it can happen if I trust in the Lord and do the things I must do.

Alone again

My husband has left me again. Because of my anorexia. Because as much as I promised to get better, I didn't stick with it. I have been sliding for a while.
He says he still loves me and he took very little with him. That gives me signs of hope that perhaps . . .
But first I must get better. I must recover and stay well. For me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I suppose I will have to try.
I already miss him so much. I just wanted to make him happy. But I have been struggling, and he can't handle it. I don't blame him.
I miss him. I wish he would at least call me...
I probably won't be writing much for a while. I will see. Thank you to everybody who has believed in me and tried to help me.

I am not always strong

Today I did something I've never purposely done since developing anorexia.
I threw up my food.
I had tried to unsuccessfully several times before, but for one reason or another, it never worked. Then I read how other people do it. And this time it did work. My stupidity never ceases to amaze me.
I was feeling very desperate because I had ate some Christmas treats — two cookies and a small snack bar.
Little things, really. But all of the sudden the food felt dirty inside me and I knew I was not worthy of eating. So I threw it up and then called for my husband, crying about what I had done.
I am very ashamed of myself. I didn't want to admit to anyone that I did this. But I promised I would always be honest on this blog.
This has to be one of the worst things I've done since developing anorexia nervosa. I feel like a hypocrite, writing about recovery and about being positive and forgiving oneself. I even underwent the anointing of the sick on Thursday. So many people are trying to help me fully recover, and then I go and do something like this?
Why do I keep learning new ways to hurt myself? Why do I keep learning new ways to keep myself from recovering? Why can't I forgive myself?
I am feeling a lot of pressure. To gain weight and recover. To write honest and helpful posts on my new blog at HealthyPlace.com. To finish up an incomplete class. To complete some freelance articles.
I think part of me doesn't want to recover. I've thought of that before. It is a hard thing to admit. Who would I be if I weren't anorexic? As each year passes, the memory of who I was fades and the person I have been becomes stronger. Sometimes it feels as if I will some day become trapped for good, and that will be the end.
Some people have accused me of romanticizing anorexia. Well, there was nothing romantic about puking up Christmas cookies into the toilet. There is nothing romantic about starving yourself until it hurts to eat, and the food makes you feel dirty inside. I cried and prayed constantly for all this to be over. I just don't understand why recovery seems to be so hard. It's not like I've been afraid of hard work before.
But each time I try to make a step forward, I find a way to shove myself three feet backwards.
There is definitely nothing romantic about any of this.

A silent and holy night

"A silent and holy night"

My heart awaits the peace

The Christ child brings

The world is silent,

Empty

Frozen

Holy is she

Opening heart and soul

To the Lord

Bringing the Christ child

Forth into the world.

Knowing one day,

He will die

For me.

My mind barely

Comprehends

Such a gift

Heaven above

The dark

Filling with angels

Singing to God

Made man.

It is quiet.

But soon,

He will come

And He brings,

Justice and mercy.

If only I am worthy.

Then I realize,

I am already

Forgiven.